


Who Is Batman Dating?

by AKnightOfAGoodKing



Category: Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Attempt at Humor, Author Commentary, Author Self-Inserts, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Dating, Out of Character, Platonic Romance, Romance, Rumors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-08 11:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15929486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKnightOfAGoodKing/pseuds/AKnightOfAGoodKing
Summary: Excerpt:[Some say it's Superman, but someone argues it's Green Lantern. A table proceeds to be flipped over with a loud shouting vote for Wonder Woman, which lead to a banter, which lead to a creating a small committee of figuring this shit out. The committee pools in all the possible candidate, which included Aquaman somehow, and starts tocalmlytalk about their experiences and justifications. Everyone then loses their collective shit when someone adds in the Flash becausec'mon, no way. The flipped table is flipped once more, breaking in half this time.After a good ten minutes of a small, heated debate, Flash is added to the rooster, and finally, everyone begins to pool in their witness testments.]





	Who Is Batman Dating?

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [some fake screenshots](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/416444) by @catgoboom. 



> **[DO NOT REPOST/REUSE MY WORK(S) WITHOUT MY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND PERMISSION.]**
> 
> This is based off the fake screenshot idea by @catgoboom on Tumblr because it's very cute and funny. It's not exactly the same because I put my own spin on the whole thing, but the idea has a huge impact of inspiring this work, abeit very late, lol. 
> 
> Please check [@catgoboom](http://catgoboom.tumblr.com) out, they've shown nothing but love for Superbat and as a fellow shipper, I'm a such a fan. ^^ Please do not repost/reuse fanart without the original artist's acknowledgement and permission; otherwise, it's art theft, and to commit such an act is disrespectful and disgraceful. Thank you.

There's a lot of rumors going around, and it concerns one specific member of the Justice League: Batman— _who is he dating?_

It might come off as a weird question, seeing that Batman is _the_ Dark Knight—lord darky-dark of the good guys, master of the edgiest city in the country, and supreme (vampire) champion of vanishing while you're still talking (” _Rude!”_ )—but he is one of the most valuable and most known member of the League; he's still cool no matter how teenage angst he embodies, and that's just  _not_ fair. 

So it's kinda obvious why there are rumors about Batman, much more about who his lover is. 

Some say it's Superman, but someone argues it's Green Lantern. A table proceeds to be flipped over with a loud shouting vote for Wonder Woman, which lead to a banter, which lead to a creating a small committee of figuring this shit out. The committee pools in all the possible candidate, which included Aquaman somehow, and starts to _calmly_ talk about their experiences and justifications. Everyone then loses their collective shit when someone adds in the Flash because  _c'mon, no way_. The flipped table is flipped once more, breaking in half this time.

After a good ten minutes of a small, heated debate, Flash is added to the rooster, and finally, everyone begins to pool in their witness testments. 

* * *

_Case File 1 : Flash_

Batman and Green Arrow are talking; or at least Green Arrow is talking, worrying about his anniversary with Black Canary in two weeks. The archer's not sure what to get her and is bouncing ideas off the tall, dark, and probably very handsome, who is also one of Canary's closest confidances. 

"What about a new car?" Arrow suggests, because he could get her seven new cars. He'd get her as many as she wanted. "Or new shoes? Taking her shopping in Milan?"

"Hmm," Batman hums as if he's paying attention. (He is, no doubt about it. Probably.) "Arrow, give me a second."

Arrow raises an eyebrow. 

Then a big, red blur comes zooming from around the corner and straight at them, specifically Batman, who sighs. The blur jumps and latches onto the Dark Knight with enough momentum to knock him down onto a (convinently placed) couch, and the blur reveals to be Flash, arms around Batman's shoulders and legs on either side of the other man's lap. Their faces are close, _very_ close, like noses touching and lips locking close. 

Green Arrow stares with his mouth slightly ajar. 

" _Flash_ ," Batman greets, letting out a defeated sigh, "what can I do for you?" 

"Hi, Batman," Flash greets back with a smile, bouncing a little on the vigilante's lap. "Are we still up for dinner Thursday?"

"We were never off."

Flash pouts a little, as if that wasn't satisfactory enough. 

Batman sighs again. "Yes, Flash, we're still having dinner Thursday," he assures.

The younger hero lightens up immediately, saying, "Thanks, Bats!" and placing a quick kiss on Batman's exposed cheek. Then he gives Batman an expected look. "You have to return that, you know, it's only fair."

Batman's lips curls downwards, and Green Lantern is sure Flash is going to an earful. But then the Dark Knight only sighs again, as if there is no other way out, and returns the kiss to Flash, a quick peck on the cheek, light and somehow sweet. 

Flash smiles widely. "See you, Bats!" he shouts, and he gives Batman one more kiss—full on lips smooching,  _oh my god_ —before jumping off. "Make sure to return that one to me too!" 

And the World's Fastest Man runs off, turning the corner with a wink. 

Green Arrow blinks, mouth still open. He turns to Batman in silent question, but the vigilante is gone,  _poof_ , like magic.

* * *

_Case File 2: Aquaman_

Booster Gold is awesome. Or at the very least, he's a great guy. (Or so he says.) The man from the future is handsome with a bright smile and good looking hair, and most of all, he's observant. (Or so he says.) So he would notice that Aquaman, king of Atlantis and pretty handsome himself too, likes to cling to Batman like a starfish. 

It happens on numerous occasions in which the Atlantean could come up from behind the Dark Knight and  _attaches_ himself to the other man, whether it's an arm around Batman's waist of a full body press-up. The most striking of these moments plays like an intro to a bad porno. (They're all bad, and that's the only thing reason Booster watches them. Or so he says. ("HEY! I do not—"))

It happens in the lounging area of the Watchtower, Booster minding his own business, looking over his photoshoot pictures. There's no one else besides him, until the elevator opens, and Booster looks away to see Batman who walks out and doesn't even acknowledge Booster. 

(Of course, that doesn't hurt his feelings. (Or so he says.)) 

Batman is making his way across the lounging area, so Booster, having no business with the other hero at the moment, goes back to looking at his pictures. He quietly appreciates how he looks in the gorgeous lighting and the beautiful background of Hawaii, listening to the rythmic pacing of Batman's padded boots. 

The Dark Knight is about halfway through when the elevator opens again, and Booster hears another pair of footsteps, this one quicker with a sense of urgency and going towards Batman. 

There is a quiet crash, and Booster looks up again, alert mode on. His eyes widens when he sees Batman is pressed against the glass window, arms catching him from being pressed too close, by Aquaman, who is both taller and bulkier—it's the Atlantean in him—than the other man. The king has his arms at each side, putting his entire body weight against Batman's back to prevent escape of any kind, and their breaths fog up the glass. 

Aquaman is smiling smugly, resting his chin on Batman's shoulder. 

" _Aquaman_ ," Batman growls. 

"Whale, whale, whale, look at what we got here," Aquaman says, letting out a snort, "it's quite a catch."

Batman attempts to buck Aquaman off of him, but that only makes the other man press them even closer to the window. "Stop it."

"I wonder what you and I can find under the ocean," Aquaman continues, moving one hand from the glass to Batman's hip, thumbing his lower back above his gadget belt. "You make me go  _cray_ -zy."

Booster covers his face with his hands because he's pretty sure he shouldn't be seeing this. He moves a finger to keep peeking though. 

"I  _will_ drop you into a desert," Batman threatens. 

"Why, when we can go somewhere we can get wetter," Aquaman replies, chuckling a little. "Let's go see my Missippi River, it's _very_ long." 

Batman whines. "That's the worst one."

Aquaman laughs, "He he he."

"Now get off of me."

"Nah, I'm kinda comfortable."

"I have work."

"I know, but like I said, I'm kinda comfortable," Aquaman rebutts, now moving both hands to wrap around Batman's waist, getting braver for some deep sea exploration. 

" _Please_ , get a room," Booster squeaks out, the skin of his face red and flustered. 

Aquaman stops, and he looks over his shoulder, noticing the blond for the first time. Then he laughs, pulling back from the window, though he keeps a secure arm around Batman's waist, saying, "Apologies," before dragging Batman with him quickly out of the lounging area before the other man could protest. 

Now left alone, Booster groans into his hands. He's going to need a room himself.

* * *

_Case File 3: Green Lantern_

Out of everybody, the Question is one of the few who is asked to do servalliance at least three times a month due to his meticulous observation skills and paranoia, and the detective never minds. Someone has to watch out for lead in the water the farmers in North Dakota use for their crops and the high number of kids losing their front two teeth in a small town in Alabama. 

And being asked to do monitoring more than twice a month with the large number of League members, Question gets a shift with Batman—the other resident meticulously observant and overall paranoid detective—at least once a month, seeing that the other man did the most servalliance, both in and out of the Watchtower. Question likes working with Batman, and he dares say he looks forward to it occasionally. (The faceless hero may have narrowed down who is under that mask, but in the case this case file falls into the wrong hand, he would not reveal the name.) 

So on his third shift last month, Question walks into the monitor room, expecting to see Batman alone as the metal door slides open, and he does. And he also sees Green Lantern, the brunette with an adrenaline addict. The faceless detective stops at the threshold, his entrance not yet caught as the green hero is too busy distracting the Dark Knight with dessert, a forkful of red velvet cake held out to the man. There is a small container on the counter, dessert barely broken out. 

"Open wide, Batman," Lantern says almost teasingly. "You told me to get a hobby so I tried baking. I need a taste tester."

"You could always ask Flash," Batman says, face towards the many monitors in the womb. "He's always in need of food."

"Yeah, but you have to try it. You're the reason I even did this, so we both have to get through this."

"This is hell."

"Ha! Don't you know it, so open up! I need to know if it's good before I feed Flash. I could poison my best friend, and I know you don't want that. I think."

Batman glances over, expressing contemplation with a heavy aura. "You couldn't get Superman to do it?" 

"You're the first person I thought of."

"And if this doesn't go well?" 

"I have knitting and fishing next on the list."

Batman glares, the slit of his cowl narrowing suspeciously, and he growls. "If you poison me, Lantern, I'm taking your ring."

The space of this sector of the galaxy smirks, willing to risk this, and Batman reaches for the fork. Lantern pulls it away. 

"Nah-uh," the brunette refuses, pulling the fork back. "Open up, Bats, or we'll be here all night."

Batman huffs, because every monitoring shift is eight hours long, and he's supposed to be there pretty much all night depending on what part of the Earth you're currently on. Oddly enough though, the Dark Knight doesn't argue, turning his head for the first time and open his mouth for the dessert. Lantern laughs and gives Batman the first bite of the red velvet cake he baked. 

The sound of the metal fork clasped gently by Batman's teeth echoes almost sensually, as if everything this man does bleeds half-hard dick energy (I swear, Arrow's words, not mine), and he pulls away slowly and chews like he's been raised by an Englishman. When he swallows, you could feel thet movement travel through the floor as vibrations that ran up your spine. (What is even  _happening_?) 

"It's not bad," Batman comments, licking his lips. "Definitely not poison."

That makes Green Lantern smile, picking up another forkful. "That's great, now the rest of it," he says, offering his homemade dessert again. "You won't believe how many of these I had already before this one. So open up again, there's plenty more where that came from."

Batman glares again, but he doesn't say no. 

The Question takes one step back, and the metal doors slide closed like a ghost. The faceless detective walks away, and he doesn't turn back. 

He'd do his own servalliance tonight. 

* * *

_Case Files 4 & 5: Wonder Woman and Superman_

In the Watchtower, there are mulitple excercise rooms available for everyone, and each room is designed to lock on requests so that heroes can practice, spar, and workout without having to wear their costumes and mask the entire time if they pleased. They can only be opened from the inside and all servalliance is disabled temporary, and those who locks the room can authorized others to come in. 

When Batman uses one of these excercise rooms, he always does because of either Wonder Woman and/or Superman, and he always locks it. Martian Manhunter gets invited sometimes if they see him on the way there, and the Martian tends to say yes. 

That being said, Manhunter doesn't really participate in the activities that the other three do. He actually comes along to observe because he notes how close Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman are, with or without the costumes, and it's interesting how easily a sparring match could turn into something more playful. But sometimes, it gets a lot less innocent. 

Manhunter says that because they'd get in some . . . _particular_ positions. 

Like Wonder Woman knocking Batman down onto his back, burying his face between her thighs. 

Or Superman knocking Batman down onto his back, legs intwined tightly and fingers clasped against the floor mat. 

Or Wonder Woman knocking Batman down and holding his arm behind his back as she leans closely to his ear. 

Or Superman knocking Batman down in a way so that the World's Strongest man is laying on top of the Dark Knight. 

Or Wonder Woman knocking Batman down and flipping the other man over so that Batman is straddling her. 

Or Superman knocking Batman over by the leg so that the other man would land on top of him.

Or—

Hopefully, you get the idea, so you don't need any more images, right? Anyway, Manhunter wonders why Batman even agrees to "spar" with Wonder Woman and Superman, unless the vigilante isn't aware of the affections of his closest friends. 

It couldn't be. Batman notices the smallest detail and subtleties. There's no way he would—

There's a hitch in breath, and Manhunter is pulled out of his moment of pondering. He does not understand how, in the _three_ seconds that he was lost in thought, did his friends managed to pile on top of each other, Batman sandwiched between the two strongest people on Earth, straddling Wonder Woman ( _again_ ) with Superman leaning on him, pressing their faces together so closely. Manhunter could hear the tension between them in his mind, ready to snap if the look in Wonder Woman's eyes spoke truthfully. 

"You okay, B?” Superman asks, a hand on Batman's chest. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Batman says, trying to get up himself, but the Kryptonite decides to help out with an arm around Batman's hips, lifting the human up seamlessly because he weighs nothing to Superman. With Superman's one inch over him, Batman's toes barely touched the flooring.

Manhunter hears another hitch in breath, and he narrows his eyes. 

"You have a scratch on your leg, Batman," Wonder Woman comments, kneeling over to inspect the injury with her friend's foot in hand. "It's not bleeding, but does anything hurt?" 

"No, I'm fine," Batman repeats, attempting get down from Superman's hold, but the Kryptonian isn't letting go. 

"Are you sure?" Wonder Woman asks, stepping closer. The two meta-humans are now towering over Batman despite his lift. She places her hands under his thighs and lifts them. "Nothing to worry about? Are you sure?"

Again, another breath hitches, and Batman audibly exhales, " _Fuck_."

"Hmm?" Superman teases. "You say something?"

"No. I'm _fine_. Get back to practice already."

Wonder Woman's lips quirk up on amusement, but she relents only to turn her attention to Manhunter who's watching on the bench. "J'onn, you ready for a round?" she asks. 

Manhunter shakes his head. "It's getting a little warm in here," he says. "Goodbye."

And then he phases himself out through the wall.

* * *

"You're having the funniest conversation I've heard in a long time," says a new member of the committee. Actually, he had never been invited to be a part of it, but he managed to sneak into the meeting room anyway because he's Robin—the, like, twleve year old who's skinny and well-liked and absolutely adorable.

"Jesus!" Green Arrow shouts, jumping in surprise at the kid suddenly right there next to him. "Don't  _do_ that! What are you doing here? Where's Daddy Bats?" 

Robin snickers. "He's talking," he answers vaguely, "and I got bored so I came around and heard you. You know that you guys are the only one who calls B that?" 

"What?"

Robin smirks. " _Daddy_."

Arrow's face goes up in flames, and Booster chokes on his own spit. 

"Robin is right about that," the Question says. "I have noted the many variations of the father conotation used by members of the League for Batman."

"You  _noted_ that?" Booster asks with exasperation. 

"I feel that you know more than any of us about this issue, Robin," Manhunter says sagely, ignoring both blonds because they're both useless to this conversation now. "You heard everything?"

"Mhmm," Robin hums, "you want to know who's Batman's dating."

"And you know, kid?" Question continues, interrogating, like, a nine year old.

Robin nods, and everyone, taking a moment to prepare themselves, leans in to hear carefully. "Batman isn't dating anyone," the colorful sidekick simply says, "the League is dating Batman."

". . . What?"

Robin laughs. "Well, the League is _trying_ , all of you are, even you, Green Arrow."

"What!" Arrow denies. "No way!"

"You like to invite yourself to Gotham even though Batman never asks. Don't worry though, Supes and Wondy do that all the time too. You're all trying to _woo_ Batman as Agent A told me. It's just that those five are in a good place, though Supes and Wondy have such a huge lead! Do you need some tips because _boy_ , do I have some constructive criticism for you!"

" _All_ of us?" Question asks, a little offended because  _excuse me_. 

"Yeah! Like Q, you could try bringing coffee in when you have have monitoring duty with B on the third Thursday of every month like you asked. And something healthy! Then he doesn't have to lie to Agent A. Manhunter, you should bring milk for the secret stash of Oreos you like to share with him. As silly as it sounds, B likes to dip his cookies. Booster! You send really nice pictures, but you should really send pictures of dogs or babies if you want a reply. And Arrow, you—"

"Da, da, da, da, da!" Arrow cuts off.

Robin grins widely. "Do you mean  _Daddy_?" 

The green archer starts crying because he doesn't ever want to hear that word again.  _God, this kid_. "Alright, this conversation is over," the blond says, and no one could say a thing, looking at everything but each other. "Let's agree this never happened and we will never try to address this rumor again. We'll just tell everybody nothing is conclusive."

There's a defeat consensus of yes, and Robin's job is done. "Great talk, you guys!" he says, happily walking out of the meeting room, and he goes back to where he last left his warden. 

"Where have you been?" Batman asks when Robin walks into the monitor room.

The, like, five year old sidekick laughs, jumping on Batman's lap. "Just went to talk to some people," he says. "But I have a few more people to finish off. I didn't know how popular you are, B."

Batman hums contemplatively. "Am I?"

"Are you saying you don't know?"

"I don't pay attention, but I suppose I've been noticing some odd behavior with my peers. ShouldI be concerned, Timmy?" 

"I guess not, I got it."

Batman huffs, patting his ward on the head affectionately. "I'm not sure what that means, but I'll leave it to you."

Robin smiles, relaxing against Batman. "Remind me to send Dick a report later, B."

"What for?"

"Well, it seems like I'm going to need help taking care of business," the, like, two year old says with the most polite smile ever known to man. 

Batman, speechless, just blinks. 

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, fuck if I know why Batman would ever tell Green Lantern to get a hobby. Also, guys, I'm so happy, I got to write the Question and Booster Gold, even if this is crack. Gods, I love them so much.
> 
> Also, also, Tim, you little shit, I love you. I just don't know what I did to you, but _slay_.
> 
> If you like my work(s), please check out my Twitter and consider supporting me: [@kappachyun](https://twitter.com/kappachyun?s=09).


End file.
